Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, PhD, presents a new way of thinking about sex and desire that challenges the traditional male-centric narrative. Dr. Nagoski is a writer and lecturer with a background in women’s sexuality and health. Come as You Are presents an understanding of sex that emphasizes the roles of “accelerators” and “brakes” in arousal and desire. When she worked as a peer health educator, Dr. Nagoski heard and empathized with women’s stories. She recognized that beneath these stories was a need for affirmation. In Come as You Are, the health expert acknowledges the wide array of sexual experiences, anatomies, inhibitors, and accelerators. Everyone is different; therefore, everyone is normal.

Dr. Nagoski’s works have received the SSTAR’s 2017 Consumer Book Award, Goodreads Choice Awards for Top 5 Science and Technology Books, Book Riot’s Best of 2015, and Buzzfeed’s “17 Things That Changed Our Sex Lives in 2015.” Come as You Are is a New York Times bestseller.

This guide uses the 2021 paperback reprinting by Simon & Schuster.

Content Warning: Come as You Are is an exploration of sex, anatomy, and neuroscience. Dr. Nagoski makes clear in the introduction that her work is based on existing science, which tends to center on cisgender women. While she uses words like “woman” and “female” in the book to explain this science, she recognizes that the information offered may not encompass the vast array of experiences regarding gender and sexuality. The book also references instances of sexual violence and rape.

Summary

Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life investigates the mythologies surrounding women and sex and replaces these dangerous narratives with scientific research. Come as You Are addresses the questions that many men and women have about genitalia, genital response, arousal and desire, and numerous other topics.

Dr. Nagoski argues that beneath all these inquiries is a longing to know that personal sexual experience is normal. Her answer is a resounding “yes.” Men and women have myriad sexual preferences, anatomies, accelerators, and brakes. This diversity is normal. Dr. Nagoski hopes to empower her readers with research-based practices and knowledge that she believes can lead to more enriching and loving sexual experiences. The book explores three major themes: You Are Normal, The Mythology of Sex, and Reframing Personal Sexual Experience.

In Part 1, Dr. Nagoski begins by answering the question she believes all women are wondering: “Am I normal?” She shows how men and women’s genitals have all the same parts but are organized in a different way. Historically, women’s genitals have been thought of as separate from men’s genitals. Women were taught to associate their parts with shame and concealment. Dr. Nagoski celebrates these parts and explains how women’s genitalia come in all shapes and sizes, each perfectly conventional.

Both men and women have a dual control model for sexual “accelerators” and “brakes.” Each person’s accelerators and brakes are unique to them, and understanding this control model can help sexual partners tear down boundaries that may be standing in the way of a satisfying sex life. Women have more sensitive brakes, while men have more sensitive accelerators. Dr. Nagoski suggests that partners who want to help women feel more sexually accelerated can do so by helping to remove sexual brakes. For example, some women may feel more open to sex if the house is clean or if the lights are low.

Understanding one’s partner’s sexual accelerators and brakes can enrich a relationship. Women respond to various cues, such as love/emotional cues or explicit/erotic cues, which function as catalysts for sexual desire. Studies show that when certain cues are in place, many women feel more comfortable pursuing sex, such as when they feel good about their body and appearance or when they feel desired by their partner. Dr. Nagoski dispels the myth of the “pleasure center” of the brain, explaining how this part of the brain controls many emotional and physiological responses—including negative ones—that can contribute to both brakes and accelerators for sexual activity.

Part 2 reveals how context plays a role in sexual experience. The stress-response cycle is a context which can instigate three different stress responses: fight, flight, or freeze. Stress can have a profound influence on a woman’s arousal and desire, and the mind may turn to one of these responses in the moment to cope with stress. Many women struggle to separate stress of any type from their sexual experience. Others may associate sex with stress due to past trauma or sexual violence. When individuals are stressed, their brains are in survival mode. Sex is not about survival, and the brain may interpret sex as an unnecessary action that stands in the way of a focus on what really matters. Dr. Nagoski suggests that the only way to sever stress from sex is by allowing stress to run through its natural cycle. Another context that affects women are the three messages—moral, medical, and media—that sell women false narratives about their bodies and experiences. These narratives criticize women, while self-criticism functions as a sexual brake.

Part 3 addresses the science that shows that genital response may not always correspond with arousal and desire. In fact, for women, genital response aligns with sexual desire approximately 10% of the time. Sexual desire is responsive: It functions as a reaction to amping up accelerators and removing brakes. One of these accelerators is pleasure. Since genital response may not align with what is happening inside the brain, a person may exhibit genital response even when he or she is uncomfortable, disgusted, or in pain. Furthermore, a person may exhibit no genital response even when they are feeling an elevated level of desire. While physical cues may indicate that a partner is aroused and enjoying sex, the best way to know how one’s partner is feeling is communication.

In Part 4, Dr. Nagoski explores the research on orgasms and explains that, like so many other aspects of human sexuality, orgasms are different for everyone and can also change from experience to experience. Women who are armed with the truth about their own bodies, desire, dual control model, responsiveness, and arousal have access to confidence: They understand the truth about their sexual experience. However, this confidence needs to be partnered with joy—the celebration of the truth. She advocates for radical nonjudgment as a way of embracing this new truth.